'It's not a box you fit into': What it means to be non-binary - ABC Everyday (2024)

For Chris, being referred to with the wrong gender pronoun is like being called a different name.

"If someone's talking about me and they say 'she', I'm like, 'who are they talking about?'" Chris says.

"But then equally, 'he' is not quite right either."

The 38-year-old from Sydney identifies as non-binary.

Chris uses they/them pronouns, and says being misgendered can be uncomfortable for someone who's non-binary.

"It would be the same if you were a cis man or woman and someone was calling you the opposite gender. It wouldn't feel very nice," they say.

"And if that was constantly happening in daily interactions with strangers, then it would start to affect you and your mental health."

While non-binary identities can seem confusing, Chris says you could start by learning someone's pronouns, which is just like remembering their name.

What does non-binary mean?

Being non-binary can mean different things to different people. In simple terms, a non-binary person like Chris doesn't fit into the binary genders of man or woman.

Brendan also identifies as non-binary, and says looking back to childhood, there was a non-normative relationship with masculinity.

"I think the core of it lies in going, 'I don't fit with the label that society has given me, it doesn't feel like it encapsulates who I am,'" says the 28-year-old, from Penrith in Sydney's west.

"I need to find [another label] that either I can fit within or that allows me to expand the idea of who I am."

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Non-binary is an umbrella term, not a third gender.

Someone who is non-binary might feel like a mix of genders, or like they have no gender at all. They might also identify as a man or woman sometimes, but as genderless at other times.

And non-binary people can present in many different ways —there is no singular non-binary 'look'.

Professor Sandy O'Sullivan is a Wiradjuri trans non-binary person, and research fellow at Macquarie University, who says being non-binary isn't about someone dressing androgynously.

"A lot of people when I first came out said: 'That makes sense' … because they were seeing me as someone who was, frankly, a manly woman. And that's not it."

While some non-binary people do express themselves as androgynous, it's a personal choice that isn't reflective of their gender.

As Professor O'Sullivan explains:

"It's not a box that you fit into. And not just for non-binary people. There's lots of different ways to be a man or a woman too."

How do gender pronouns work?

She/her and he/him are the most common gender pronouns, while they/them pronouns are more prevalent in the non-binary community.

They/them pronouns are often used in everyday conversation when we don't know someone's gender; for example: "Someone left their hat in this cafe. Can you leave it in the lost and found for them?"

Professor O'Sullivan says in Wiradjuri language, there are no gender pronouns, with guwiiny (like they/them) used for everyone.

Some non-binary people use other pronouns, or use a mixture of different pronouns.

Brendan uses he/him pronouns.

He only started consciously exploring his gender identity eight months ago, so while he may change his name or pronouns in future, he's comfortable with where he's at right now.

For him, being non-binary "gives me freedom to be more myself, rather than feeling like I have to contain myself within male or contain myself within female".

"I have more scope to just be me."

What challenges do non-binary people face?

Aside from being misgendered, something as simple as going to the bathroom can be challenging for someone who is non-binary.

While Chris uses the gender-neutral bathroom at work, they are not always available.

"If I'm with my daughter and we're going to the beach and I've got to take her to the changing rooms, then I have [no choice but] to go into the women's," they say.

"It's really uncomfortable for me because I know that I'm presenting more masculine, so I feel people's eyes in the back of my head."

As 29-year-old Sascha from Parramatta in Sydney explains, another challenge for non-binary people is gender dysphoria, which is the distress or discomfort that results when a person's biological sex and gender identity do not align.

"I used to avoid mirrors. I was aware that objectively I was quite attractive, but I hated to see myself unless I was fully dressed," Sascha says.

While not everyone will experience gender dysphoria, some trans and non-binary people do, and may choose to affirm their gender through taking hormones or having surgeries.

"Some people do no medical procedures at all and are just as valid, [while others] do all the same medical procedures that would be expected of them if they were binary trans," Sascha says.

Binary trans refers to those who identify astransgender men or women. Some non-binary people also describe themselves as transgender, while others don't.

Sascha briefly thought they might be a binary trans man, before quickly realising that "didn't feel quite right either".

"So I've identified as non-binary for 10 years now."

They've now had a double mastectomy and say the resulting gender affirmation has been "amazing".

"Now if I pass a mirror, I just often end up staring at myself and smiling, because I look like me."

How to be a good ally to non-binary people

If someone you know has told you they're non-binary, there are plenty of ways to show your support.

Using their correct pronouns is a great place to start. You can shareyour own too, if you choose, inperson or on social media.

For Chris, being a good ally is "just about validating people and knowing that it's different for everyone".

"Just because you met one non-binary person, doesn't mean that everyone's the same. Just like all women are not the same and all men are not the same."

Chris also says it's perfectly OK for someone to identify as non-binary at one point, and then move on to another label.

"You grow and you develop in all areas, and in your gender as well," they say.

If you're struggling to understand how someone can be non-binary, Sascha suggests considering what makes you your gender.

"[Think about] 'I am a woman because of this'. Why? If it's not what's in your pants, it's pretty hard to explain why a cis woman is a woman.

"So don't expect it to be easy for a non-binary person to explain."

For Brendan, it's all about respect.

"The non-binary experience is real and valid. We're not just guys that are a little bit girly or girls who are a little bit guy-y. It's deeper and richer than that.

"We deserve to be treated as people and respected. And identified in the way that we choose to be identified.

"That really shouldn't be something we have to fight for."